Saturday, July 5, 2008

Of Grills & Microwaves

At work this morning, my coworkers and I were discussing the events of our respective Fourth of July celebrations. Kelli was telling me about how she hadn't been feeling well earlier in the day so she decided to just stay home and have a quiet evening at home. However, it being the Fourth of July and all she had a craving for a cheeseburger. She told me that she had never made a cheeseburger before, but "how hard could it be, right?" She opened up the grill, which was your standard gas grill and found the spark switch not to be working. She briefly thought about lighting a paper towel with a match and throwing it onto the grill to get it going. That didn't sound like the best idea so she decided to light a match and do it all manually. The gas had been on this whole time, so when she finally lit the match and leaned in to the grill pan, a huge fireball erupted from the surface and probably would have ignited her hair were her hair not still damp from her shower!

This conversation about fireballs then led us to discuss the dangers of microwaves. I told Kelli about a movie I saw on an airplane when I was about 4 that haunts me to this day. I think it starred Roseanne who was playing some psychotic female. I vividly remember her placing an aerosol can in the microwave, keying in the time...cut to wide exterior shot of the entire house BLOWING UP. So for the rest of my childhood I was deathly afraid of putting anything in the microwave that didn't have the explicit label of "Microwave Safe." I would ask my mom about everything. I admit that I am slightly apprehensive about what can and can't go in the microwave to this day. Does anyone have any idea what this movie I speak of may be?

I asked Kelli if she had seen any YouTube videos of CDs in microwaves and told her it was pretty much lightning in a box. We watched a couple of those involving people destroying CDs and their microwaves in the process.

Then, in a twisted YouTube suggestion, YouTube decided that the most relevant video that we may be interested next was this one:

A Furby being utterly annihilated in a microwave!

This, in turn, led us to discover an entire filthy underground world of Furby torture fetishism.

Watch if you dare!

Kelli and I were gasping out loud at this one, first at the brutality of the fur being shaved off of such a tender creature and then how the inflictor NAILED down the Furby's feet before DRILLING into its head!

Thus, from Fourth of July adventures in grilling and Kelli almost getting toasted, we managed to make our way into the dark recesses of the mind of a psycopathic Furby killer.

Oh, YouTube, we have so much to thank you for-not to mention being scarred for life...again.

After further investigation of this harrowing childhood memory, I have discovered that the aforementioned psycho-Roseanne movie is called She-Devil.

The plot-summery begins as follows:

Ruth (Barr) is a frumpy, overweight wife and mother as well, who tries to please her husband. Her husband Bob (Ed Begley, Jr.) is an accountant who is trying to boost his business, meets Mary Fisher (Streep), a romance novelist riding high on her fame and fortune, at a dinner party and begins to originate an affair with her. When Ruth displays much clumsiness, while Bob's parents are visiting, Bob uses that as an announcement that he is deserting her. As he is packing his bags and Babbage, he explains to Ruth that his assets are his home, his family, his career, and his freedom, but Ruth is a liability. Ruth vows to get revenge on him, as well as Mary when she says to herself "I hope Mary Fisher's pink palace crumbles and falls right into the sea". Ruth writes a list to herself titled "Bob's Assets" and lists the four assets that Bob has stated, and will cross off each one from the list when it is destroyed. While he is at work and the children are at school, she sets the house on fire (by overloading the electricity of the house by doing every possibly unsafe task with the household appliances) and it is obliterated in a gigantic explosion.

I must find every VHS tape of that movie and destroy every single one-just as George Lucas has vowed to do with the "Star Wars Holiday Special"! I will also be suing Hollywood for raping my innocent mind. Who's with me?

1 comment:

Nikki Stafford said...

OK, two comments on this: first, watching Peeps expand and blow up in a microwave is endlessly fun. (On the Internet... I can't imagine the horrible mess that would make in your microwave!)

And secondly, Kelli's got nuthin' on Sue and I when it comes to BBQ stupidity. We once lit a BBQ when the top was still down. Oh, yes. We did. And it made such a sound, and actually jumped OFF the ground (it was like 200 pounds, and jumped OFF the ground) that the two of screamed and screamed (followed by screaming laughter), and only afterwards, when I mentioned it to my husband and he nearly passed out and told us we could have blown up the neighbourhood, did we realize just how serious that had been.

Ah well. It's still one of our fave stories. ;)